Maybe Scarlett O'Hara said it best....

she said..."I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." "After all....tomorrow is another day"

Perhaps she did...but the following lyrics say it with much more passion...

HAPPINESS by The Fray

Happiness was just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing eighty miles an hour

But happiness is a little more like knocking

On your door, you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone, not for good but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now

But happiness has a violent roar

Happiness, it's like the old man told me

Look for it and you'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home

Home, she'll be, she'll be, she'll be home

She'll be home, she'll be home, she'll be home

She will be home, she'll be home, she'll be home

She'll be home, she'll be home....

Tomorrow....yes, on to tomorrow.....

To Love Another As Your Own

Years ago if you would have asked me if I would consider adoption I would have said, "probably not." Well, that was all before I had the gift of Emily. Almost five years ago, my ex husband and I had the pleasure of our niece Emily coming to stay with us for a while. She was a teenager so I didn't exactly know how the stay was going to go. In addition, things can be difficult when you bring someone into your home. But I want to share with you the sunshine that shined on us that day. I won't lie, it wasn't the best of circumstances for which she came to be with us. However, it's the beauty of soul that I tell the story to you. I always thought that with another person's child, that there would be this distance that would keep your heart dissected so that you could never be as close with them as your natural children. Each day with Emily was a new adventure in getting to know her. She was so strong in conviction, and yet she would avoid confrontation to keep peace. I truly believe she fought everyday just to be Emily. I had to learn that and I did, mostly through her writings and poetry. As beautiful in mind as she was in flesh her words were strong, mighty, and they were hers. I would be remiss to not say that her smile was nothing less than infectious. I had told her that one rule of mine in our home was that you never leave without saying "I love you" (a rule I still have), and she never broke it. Although, I'm sure there were many a time she didn't like me! My daughter Grace adored her, and looked up at her like the star that she was. I'm afraid, I hid my eyes from some of it because I had to play 'adult' and discipline when necessary. We would all go watch her play basketball...and it was amazing how it was more like an extension of spirit, more than a game. The way she flowed with the ball made the game more exciting that is for sure. I found myself feeling so protective, and wanting to guard her with each moment. I got to where I loved just hearing her come trotting down the stairs. Even though she stayed with us for only a few months, it touched me for a lifetime. On Monday night as I traveled to Oklahoma for Emily's funeral...all the times she was with us kept flashing through my mind- Her driving up in her jeep, or playing basketball in the driveway. Or again, the way she always said "I love you" before she left. I know I know...she was a teenager and just following orders...but it was something to me. Her beautiful face that needed no make up or enhancement for it was flawless on it's own. The flashes were like little video clips of memory that gnawed at my gut. I shook the next morning because I just thought I can't do this...of course I couldn't even conjure up to think how her parents were dealing with the loss. Because I knew and I know now, that my heart had separated back then to become part of her and I only had her for a moment, they had the gift of her all of her life. So, I know that their pain was unfathomable. The service was pretty, yet I don't think I could breathe through most of it. I just wanted to hug her one more time..but like the song that was played, I would have only longed for more. At the cemetery, I couldn't leave for a long time...I wasn't ready. I knew it wasn't her there, but it stung like fire inside to even take a step away. Her parents were like Oak trees in their strength, and represented her like the wonderful individual that she was. All the others that were there made it so apparent that I wasn't the only person that was struck by her. I didn't say goodbye that day, for I will see her again. The flashes of memory are still playing and everywhere I look I see her. So see I grew to love her as my own...and will carry her with me always.

Thank you to Sue and Jeff (Emily's parents) for the gift of letting her stay with us for that time. For now I know that my heart can be opened by the gorgeous spirit of another. It is a big desire of mine to adopt a child once we have another natural one, because I would like to love again like that and give back the gift that was given to me.

Thank you Vanessa for being my post to lean on, my companion to laugh with through this journey.

Thank you Laura for that hug at the cemetery that I think if I didn't get it...I would still be standing there.

Thank you Wes, my rock of a husband who was nothing but sweet and kind with open arms waiting for me.

Lastly, my biggest thank you goes to Emily for your light shines on...with every sun beam of each morning and as I leave you let me say one last time I love you.

Where's the patriotism??

So on Sunday I went to church in which they were honoring the veterans that have passed and those men who have served. It was great there was a mixed color guard there from all three Irving high schools, and they moved with impressive precision. But, when they began to march in, no one stood. I looked at my dad, who is a Marine vet, and said "shouldn't we stand". I was shocked it took them until they hit the stage before the auditorium was standing. Then the bugler came out to play, and yet again no one with their hands over their hearts. HELLO, people can't we have just a little bit of patriotism and gratitude. I mean in this country we can even complain and it's OK. Other countries we would be shot for simply speaking our mind. Why is it that it seems every where I go, people are upset and bashing the U. S.? I love this country, and would very easily fight to save it should that arise. I'm glad we have a military that is oversees serving our interest so that we may live as if nothing is going on here.
That brings me to my next point of 'really people you want them fighting in your back yard?' - no of course you don't, but yet you don't want them fighting over there either. Rest assured it is our fight, there was a little thing call 911 that made us a slight bit upset and we had to rectify the situation. Truth is the government is much like our parents, they don't tell us everything because it was burden us unnecessarily. There are many things we don't know about, therefore can't make an informed decision as to what the proper steps of recognisance should be. So let's not speak out against our fellow soldiers who are laying their lives down for us and our dear country. Next time someone plays Taps or walks in the room with a flag, lets salute with a hand over our heart to show that we truly are grateful for all this country has done for us.

On another note, children. You know they develop at their own speed---or do they? Does society actually belittle those that don't do the standard 'ride a bike' 'swim underwater' or 'tie a shoe' by what is supposedly the set 'age'. You know maybe your little Mozart doesn't ride a bike, but makes 100 on their spelling test every week. Or does math problems in their head. So maybe sports is not their forte, however they can paint the prettiest picture of a barn for you. Does this make them social outcast because "THEY" say they are "BEHIND"...I say no. Everyone is entitled to learn at their own pace, and should that mean they don't ride a bike til nine so be it. I would rather have a Beethoven than a Jeff Gordon any day. Artistic ability is just as important as physical capabilities, and NOT a measuring stick of potential. So let me say to "THEY", stick it in your ear cuz your bike riding, scuba kid will be calling my honor student "BOSS" one day.

Just one last thing, I love my kids---I think about my children all day. I long for Grace's hugs, and Kanyen's coos. I don't know how you mother's walk out the door to work every morning, because I do it and don't know how. I think I put on a veil of facade like I it doesn't bother me -- all the while walking around with my heart torn out and shredded. I don't care that a million mother's do it...I'm not them. I'm me, and I miss my kids. I just got to spend the last six days with them alone and it still is never enough. I didn't want a break, didn't need help and even took on an extra so Grace would have a playmate. I love it, and taking care of our home as well. I was called domesticated this weekend and what a great honor that is. Of course I am, I have delivered these kids to raise and love more than anything else. So pardon for being sad because I have to leave them everyday, but I equate it to leaving home without your arms because they are wrapped around the two most precious beings you have ever laid eyes on. Oh I will go to work because that is what finances demand, but don't expect me to like it or even fake a smile when I don't want to. There will never be a day it becomes 'easier' to walk out that door in the morning. So I say again...I love my kids---they are me!

To Grace and Kanyen, should you ever wonder if your Mother loved you I hope you read this. For Jesus formed you in my womb and I delivered you into this world. I kiss, hug, touch, bathe, feed, etc...because two hearts I have for each of you beat souly for you. All steps made every day is for the betterment of you. I have your pictures posted at my office, your voices playing in my head. I speak of you constantly just to feel close to you. If I could I would have both of you right next to me twenty four hours a day. I don't tire of being called Mama, and you are my greatest accomplishments. I love you both more than I love myself!

I pray: Dear Heavenly Father, give me the strength to do this job I am required to do daily. Please send me your peace so that I may not stress over what I miss while away. I ask that you show me your will for my children daily so that they might see you through me. For I am but one person and give my life to you for your full control. Guide me Lord with wisdom and knowledge so that my desires are your desires. AMEN

Thank you Jesus for Wes, Grace, and Kanyen for they are my Heaven right here on Earth.