Maybe Scarlett O'Hara said it best....

she said..."I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." "After all....tomorrow is another day"

Perhaps she did...but the following lyrics say it with much more passion...

HAPPINESS by The Fray

Happiness was just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing eighty miles an hour

But happiness is a little more like knocking

On your door, you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone, not for good but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now

But happiness has a violent roar

Happiness, it's like the old man told me

Look for it and you'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home

Home, she'll be, she'll be, she'll be home

She'll be home, she'll be home, she'll be home

She will be home, she'll be home, she'll be home

She'll be home, she'll be home....

Tomorrow....yes, on to tomorrow.....

To Love Another As Your Own

Years ago if you would have asked me if I would consider adoption I would have said, "probably not." Well, that was all before I had the gift of Emily. Almost five years ago, my ex husband and I had the pleasure of our niece Emily coming to stay with us for a while. She was a teenager so I didn't exactly know how the stay was going to go. In addition, things can be difficult when you bring someone into your home. But I want to share with you the sunshine that shined on us that day. I won't lie, it wasn't the best of circumstances for which she came to be with us. However, it's the beauty of soul that I tell the story to you. I always thought that with another person's child, that there would be this distance that would keep your heart dissected so that you could never be as close with them as your natural children. Each day with Emily was a new adventure in getting to know her. She was so strong in conviction, and yet she would avoid confrontation to keep peace. I truly believe she fought everyday just to be Emily. I had to learn that and I did, mostly through her writings and poetry. As beautiful in mind as she was in flesh her words were strong, mighty, and they were hers. I would be remiss to not say that her smile was nothing less than infectious. I had told her that one rule of mine in our home was that you never leave without saying "I love you" (a rule I still have), and she never broke it. Although, I'm sure there were many a time she didn't like me! My daughter Grace adored her, and looked up at her like the star that she was. I'm afraid, I hid my eyes from some of it because I had to play 'adult' and discipline when necessary. We would all go watch her play basketball...and it was amazing how it was more like an extension of spirit, more than a game. The way she flowed with the ball made the game more exciting that is for sure. I found myself feeling so protective, and wanting to guard her with each moment. I got to where I loved just hearing her come trotting down the stairs. Even though she stayed with us for only a few months, it touched me for a lifetime. On Monday night as I traveled to Oklahoma for Emily's funeral...all the times she was with us kept flashing through my mind- Her driving up in her jeep, or playing basketball in the driveway. Or again, the way she always said "I love you" before she left. I know I know...she was a teenager and just following orders...but it was something to me. Her beautiful face that needed no make up or enhancement for it was flawless on it's own. The flashes were like little video clips of memory that gnawed at my gut. I shook the next morning because I just thought I can't do this...of course I couldn't even conjure up to think how her parents were dealing with the loss. Because I knew and I know now, that my heart had separated back then to become part of her and I only had her for a moment, they had the gift of her all of her life. So, I know that their pain was unfathomable. The service was pretty, yet I don't think I could breathe through most of it. I just wanted to hug her one more time..but like the song that was played, I would have only longed for more. At the cemetery, I couldn't leave for a long time...I wasn't ready. I knew it wasn't her there, but it stung like fire inside to even take a step away. Her parents were like Oak trees in their strength, and represented her like the wonderful individual that she was. All the others that were there made it so apparent that I wasn't the only person that was struck by her. I didn't say goodbye that day, for I will see her again. The flashes of memory are still playing and everywhere I look I see her. So see I grew to love her as my own...and will carry her with me always.

Thank you to Sue and Jeff (Emily's parents) for the gift of letting her stay with us for that time. For now I know that my heart can be opened by the gorgeous spirit of another. It is a big desire of mine to adopt a child once we have another natural one, because I would like to love again like that and give back the gift that was given to me.

Thank you Vanessa for being my post to lean on, my companion to laugh with through this journey.

Thank you Laura for that hug at the cemetery that I think if I didn't get it...I would still be standing there.

Thank you Wes, my rock of a husband who was nothing but sweet and kind with open arms waiting for me.

Lastly, my biggest thank you goes to Emily for your light shines on...with every sun beam of each morning and as I leave you let me say one last time I love you.

Where's the patriotism??

So on Sunday I went to church in which they were honoring the veterans that have passed and those men who have served. It was great there was a mixed color guard there from all three Irving high schools, and they moved with impressive precision. But, when they began to march in, no one stood. I looked at my dad, who is a Marine vet, and said "shouldn't we stand". I was shocked it took them until they hit the stage before the auditorium was standing. Then the bugler came out to play, and yet again no one with their hands over their hearts. HELLO, people can't we have just a little bit of patriotism and gratitude. I mean in this country we can even complain and it's OK. Other countries we would be shot for simply speaking our mind. Why is it that it seems every where I go, people are upset and bashing the U. S.? I love this country, and would very easily fight to save it should that arise. I'm glad we have a military that is oversees serving our interest so that we may live as if nothing is going on here.
That brings me to my next point of 'really people you want them fighting in your back yard?' - no of course you don't, but yet you don't want them fighting over there either. Rest assured it is our fight, there was a little thing call 911 that made us a slight bit upset and we had to rectify the situation. Truth is the government is much like our parents, they don't tell us everything because it was burden us unnecessarily. There are many things we don't know about, therefore can't make an informed decision as to what the proper steps of recognisance should be. So let's not speak out against our fellow soldiers who are laying their lives down for us and our dear country. Next time someone plays Taps or walks in the room with a flag, lets salute with a hand over our heart to show that we truly are grateful for all this country has done for us.

On another note, children. You know they develop at their own speed---or do they? Does society actually belittle those that don't do the standard 'ride a bike' 'swim underwater' or 'tie a shoe' by what is supposedly the set 'age'. You know maybe your little Mozart doesn't ride a bike, but makes 100 on their spelling test every week. Or does math problems in their head. So maybe sports is not their forte, however they can paint the prettiest picture of a barn for you. Does this make them social outcast because "THEY" say they are "BEHIND"...I say no. Everyone is entitled to learn at their own pace, and should that mean they don't ride a bike til nine so be it. I would rather have a Beethoven than a Jeff Gordon any day. Artistic ability is just as important as physical capabilities, and NOT a measuring stick of potential. So let me say to "THEY", stick it in your ear cuz your bike riding, scuba kid will be calling my honor student "BOSS" one day.

Just one last thing, I love my kids---I think about my children all day. I long for Grace's hugs, and Kanyen's coos. I don't know how you mother's walk out the door to work every morning, because I do it and don't know how. I think I put on a veil of facade like I it doesn't bother me -- all the while walking around with my heart torn out and shredded. I don't care that a million mother's do it...I'm not them. I'm me, and I miss my kids. I just got to spend the last six days with them alone and it still is never enough. I didn't want a break, didn't need help and even took on an extra so Grace would have a playmate. I love it, and taking care of our home as well. I was called domesticated this weekend and what a great honor that is. Of course I am, I have delivered these kids to raise and love more than anything else. So pardon for being sad because I have to leave them everyday, but I equate it to leaving home without your arms because they are wrapped around the two most precious beings you have ever laid eyes on. Oh I will go to work because that is what finances demand, but don't expect me to like it or even fake a smile when I don't want to. There will never be a day it becomes 'easier' to walk out that door in the morning. So I say again...I love my kids---they are me!

To Grace and Kanyen, should you ever wonder if your Mother loved you I hope you read this. For Jesus formed you in my womb and I delivered you into this world. I kiss, hug, touch, bathe, feed, etc...because two hearts I have for each of you beat souly for you. All steps made every day is for the betterment of you. I have your pictures posted at my office, your voices playing in my head. I speak of you constantly just to feel close to you. If I could I would have both of you right next to me twenty four hours a day. I don't tire of being called Mama, and you are my greatest accomplishments. I love you both more than I love myself!

I pray: Dear Heavenly Father, give me the strength to do this job I am required to do daily. Please send me your peace so that I may not stress over what I miss while away. I ask that you show me your will for my children daily so that they might see you through me. For I am but one person and give my life to you for your full control. Guide me Lord with wisdom and knowledge so that my desires are your desires. AMEN

Thank you Jesus for Wes, Grace, and Kanyen for they are my Heaven right here on Earth.

Wanna get away....

Goodness how the day to day can just make you run to your tiki hut in the Bahamas. It's always something right? For some reason as women we are supposed to endure it with a fervor that would sustain hurricane like winds. We don't stop except to sleep. We tell ourselves that every minute will get easier. It's doesn't, just some new drama takes its place. CALGON!!!!!

Ode to Monday

As I look outside my window at work I see the fast paced world flowing by. Weather soaked streets lined with crying trees. It's as if the world mourns Mondays as well as the drones that move through it. Desiring and longing for it to end. Even the stoutest of coffees can't clear through the sludge of your mind. Oh it would be easier had the weekend left more than a bleak imprint of fun to linger about your psyche. Melancholy moans of resistence is all that you utter once realized that noon hasn't even passed. Lunch time seems hours away and you long for home. Tuesday never fares much better but the overwhelming flood that comes with Monday is at least reduced to something resembling a steady stream. Begging and pleading you fight for the courage to tackle each task as if trodding through cement. Alas, with each debacle overcome and faked smiles made, time will pass. That glorious witching hour of 5pm will arrive, bringing with it another hustle of people to return to their sanctuaries to await yet another day of it. As they go by we understand why the trees are weeping, its for those of us who are weary, downtrodden, jaded and weak.

dreamin of tomorrow..
J

Freakishly Excited

Wooooohoooo....Edgefest is tomorrow and I am more than excited. Did I mention the line up? Take a look for yourself http://kdge.com/. Korn, 311, Blue October...etc. SOOOO incredibly stoked! I did buy an outfit to go because you know I have to wear professional clothes to work everyday which doesn't allow me to be the freak I really am. BUT my outfit is awesome, and I will get lots of pics to share. Last year I didn't go all out, just a little punk...! Gonna punk Wes out this time though too...check out his guyliner!

It's going to be a great time though, and he and I deserve it.

SO I went to the dr. yesterday and my lovely colonoscopy is scheduled for June 24th. Always something to look forward to.

Ok on to the controversial topic....we as a family have made the decision to stop breastfeeding. Now all of you know what a strong advocate I am, but since I have had to stop for the last week we have seen the level of stress improve. Right now due to all that I have endured and continue to trudge through any bit of stress relief is appreciated. So after speaking with my husband, family, and dr....it was a unanimous conclusion. It would be a different situation if I was able to stay at home and with the next child hopefully we will be able to go longer. This has been an agonizing decision as I feel disconnected to my little guy as it is. Having to be gone from him for over 12 hours a day is torture and breastfeeding was my one big connection in the evening. But I still get to bottle feed him, and he is sleeping through the night now. AMEN

Let me say to all the ladies out there that have experienced post pardum depression--it's not easy. It comes with it's own dose of hell. You feel inadequate, you wanna run away, and oh yeah it's taboo to talk about. No one wants to be labeled Andrea Yates. You have to believe in yourself enough to push forward everyday knowing this too shall pass. Meds have helped me, but most of all--it was prayer. My husband and I pray together over these things and that is what gets me through the day to day, minute to minute things. That and knowing that God has something HUGE for us in the future. So don't be afraid to talk about it, as confession is healing.

Again, let me elaborate on Mother's day as it's Sunday. Let's take time out as Moms to enjoy ourselves and celebrate our own mom's as well.

til..next..time...

: ) J

The scoop on poop...

OK....well we got through the middle of the week...whew! As some of you may know I did have to go to the ER last week because I was having extremely bad abdominal cramping. Lo and behold it was colitis...my colon was swollen and infected. So they put me on two antibiotics, pain pills, and suppositories. UM..yeah you heard me suppositories...I was like...WHAT THE CRAP...(pardon the pun)...TMI warning...I have had loose stool for two days..what in the frick do I need those for. OH and by the way I'm in pain let me shove something up ...where again. UGH....I don't know about you but I am not into self inflicting torture. Speaking of torture my appt with the Gastro Guy (as I fondly like to refer to him as) today. Seems as if I have a colonoscopy on the horizon. Wow...more good news...because everyone LOVES those. Seriously, some days I'm like....um, one way ticket to Bermuda please...preferably the triagular one.....ya know disappear.

Anyhow...enough with that talk..but I say all that to tell you that the meds they gave me strickly say on the bottle DO NOT USE IF BREASTFEEDING....and let me tell you that information would have been vital LAST THURSDAY...HELLO, I only mentioned five times I was a breastfeeding mom. I had been hyped up on pain pills all the next day so do you think I read the bottle. My husband was dispensing my meds to me and we all know men are not into details. SO Monday morning again...WHAT THE CRAP...so I had to call the ER and that DR. He reassured me that with the minimal exposure my son had to the drug that he would not in fact grow an extra appendage or third eye. Yes and that was my chief concern. Suffice to say we have to formula feed Kanyen right now until two days after I have completed these meds. So it's pump and dump for me, and all you breastfeeding mums out there know how difficult that is. However, dear boy is sleeping through the night so we just might have to move forward with this new venture--cuz Mama needs her sleep.

Oh..well and about the formula. Baby gas has taken on a whole new meaning. That little man can clear a room. Yes he is a whopping 15 lb 3 month old, but those toots pack a punch that would make boiling eggs smell like gardenias. That's just the gas, because when he puts all that new force into an actual movement it melts paint. My son, the only one that can make a vet clinic smell worse...we are so proud.

Speaking of vet, our regal beagle...Ms. Booboolu...went in for shots this morning. She is now a whole 9 pounds. Let me just say she has become quite a comedic addition to my quirky family. However, the potty training is taking some time. My husband and daughter just don't get how dogs don't want to go outside. We personally have gone through half a million cans of Spot Shot, and while that stuff works fabulously it is not cheap. I'm thinking of just ripping all the carpet out and putting in the back yard...then maybe she will go out there. I can't complain totally for the most part we are accident free, but it never fails you take your eyes off of her for a second and it's...puddle city. I will say though her wreaking havoc on the cats is certainly worth it. I hate those bastards. They have decided that urinating is a past time and I don't play that game. Cat urine should be used on third world countries as a weapon....you can't get rid of it. All the while they are snickering behind you knowing that was the most expensive baby toy you owned and they have ruined it. As if they are saying "HA HA..I will triumph over this little being that has stolen our pets"....it didn't sway me, except to give then a little extra nudge with my foot when they are in close proximity. Just a little one.....sheesh don't judge...

OK...all for now......two days til Edgefest....wooohooo....my hubby gonna be sportin guyliner and I"m gonna punk out...can't wait!

*Remember half the battle is not to get rattled!

In Mother words.....

With Mother's day coming up I'm sure everyone is scrambling for cards and gifts to express their "true" feelings for their mum....well thank you Hallmark for another senseless holiday. OK...before you go off half cocked because you think I am a mother hater, hear me out....

This is the woman who bore you for nine months in her womb. She has worn puke as a cloak of honor and driven to the ends of the Earth for the last remaining "must have" toy you wanted. A lady who has defended you against the family when you needed your 'blanky' for just one more month. Or went up against a teacher when the dog really DID eat your homework. Feast or famine she has been there and willing to go without so you wouldn't have to. So I ask you WHY...why do we just celebrate her one day of the year?

Recently, I read this article that posed questions for your mother. I found this intriguing and put it into practice. I quizzed my own 'Mama', a name I will always call her and will elaborate later on, for an hour this morning and was surprised by the insight I received. She is always willing to indulge my curiosities which makes her a saint in my book. We found ourselves in deep conversation from some of the questions and did indeed learn more about one another. This new found relationship at this point in my life that has now taken on the overused term of 'best friend'. We didn't find it difficult to breeze through the questionnaire with honesty and forthright. However, I'm afraid others might. Because see, my mother and I have journeyed together these years and have developed our communication in such a melodic way that now it almost feels remiss to leave anything out. She is my closest confidant and yet we continue to build upon our kinship daily. I challenge you to read this article and put it to the test with your own mom.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/05/05/rs.Questions.For.Your.Mother/index.html

Earlier I mentioned the name "Mama"...and yes it is a name. My name to be exact, as well as many others. It's a label I wear with honor. Allow me to expound upon this subject. The definition of a mother would be a female who gave birth to a child. After said birth she is considered a mother. While we all know that the birthing process is no picnic, its still a far cry from what really qualifies you as a mother. Thus we continue with why I feel I am a 'Mama'. I've gotten up in the night and given of my bosom. I have changed, bathed, kissed, hugged, doctored and swaddled. It's all those things after the delivery that bind you to that little bundle that equips you for the most valued of occupations. I like to think of it as standing for Masquerading As Ministering Angels, because that is what we are to our children. I mean when is the last time you heard a grown man or woman call their mother "Mommy"...doesn't happen, but MAMA is a trademark that lasts. A true to the end kind of endearment that keeps your child close to your heart.

Digressing I say, lets not wait til that one day on the calendar to glorify these precious mentors. Let's find ways to salute them daily with appreciation for all the booboos kissed and hands held. OH you remember when she laid with you during the storm and how she just knew how your day had not gone so well. All those treasured times she took the time to listen when no one would. She loves you unconditionally to the point she would lay her life down for yours. You never leave her mind, so don't let her escape yours. Tell her that without her your life would have never been, but with her it's like an enhanced technicolor experience. As children we fall down a lot, so don't overlook the one who picked you up.

To my Mom: I talk with you everyday and yet am still tantalized by all the things you have to say. I hang onto every word with such a gripping fist for I know you are the most marvellous creature I have ever known. You have never once turned me away when I needed you. Sometimes its only the sound of your voice that heals my wound. I see you as my light that never dims with a strength of brightness that can be seen from as far as the East is from the West. As your daughter I only hope to honor you in return for all that you give me every minute of every day. Your laughter and joy is my weakness! My biggest desire is to strive to be seen as big in my children's eyes as you are in mine. To say I love you is not enough so let me end by saying...I will forever be enamored by your beauty, awed by your grace, and captivated by your heart.
Thanks Mama for everything!

Yo showtee...it's yo birfday..

So here I was sitting there in my drive way Wednesday about to go in. What was going to happen, what was the plan? Well it was my birthday so I burst into the front door and little to my surprise were my gifts right there. Surrounded by a candle, roses, pictures, gifts...what an amazing family I have. It was just the most incredible thing to see. They were so happy for me too. I got two CD's ...Bryan Adams collection...yes I know I'm old. It was perfect....