Years ago if you would have asked me if I would consider adoption I would have said, "probably not." Well, that was all before I had the gift of Emily. Almost five years ago, my ex husband and I had the pleasure of our niece Emily coming to stay with us for a while. She was a teenager so I didn't exactly know how the stay was going to go. In addition, things can be difficult when you bring someone into your home. But I want to share with you the sunshine that shined on us that day. I won't lie, it wasn't the best of circumstances for which she came to be with us. However, it's the beauty of soul that I tell the story to you. I always thought that with another person's child, that there would be this distance that would keep your heart dissected so that you could never be as close with them as your natural children. Each day with Emily was a new adventure in getting to know her. She was so strong in conviction, and yet she would avoid confrontation to keep peace. I truly believe she fought everyday just to be Emily. I had to learn that and I did, mostly through her writings and poetry. As beautiful in mind as she was in flesh her words were strong, mighty, and they were hers. I would be remiss to not say that her smile was nothing less than infectious. I had told her that one rule of mine in our home was that you never leave without saying "I love you" (a rule I still have), and she never broke it. Although, I'm sure there were many a time she didn't like me! My daughter Grace adored her, and looked up at her like the star that she was. I'm afraid, I hid my eyes from some of it because I had to play 'adult' and discipline when necessary. We would all go watch her play basketball...and it was amazing how it was more like an extension of spirit, more than a game. The way she flowed with the ball made the game more exciting that is for sure. I found myself feeling so protective, and wanting to guard her with each moment. I got to where I loved just hearing her come trotting down the stairs. Even though she stayed with us for only a few months, it touched me for a lifetime. On Monday night as I traveled to Oklahoma for Emily's funeral...all the times she was with us kept flashing through my mind- Her driving up in her jeep, or playing basketball in the driveway. Or again, the way she always said "I love you" before she left. I know I know...she was a teenager and just following orders...but it was something to me. Her beautiful face that needed no make up or enhancement for it was flawless on it's own. The flashes were like little video clips of memory that gnawed at my gut. I shook the next morning because I just thought I can't do this...of course I couldn't even conjure up to think how her parents were dealing with the loss. Because I knew and I know now, that my heart had separated back then to become part of her and I only had her for a moment, they had the gift of her all of her life. So, I know that their pain was unfathomable. The service was pretty, yet I don't think I could breathe through most of it. I just wanted to hug her one more time..but like the song that was played, I would have only longed for more. At the cemetery, I couldn't leave for a long time...I wasn't ready. I knew it wasn't her there, but it stung like fire inside to even take a step away. Her parents were like Oak trees in their strength, and represented her like the wonderful individual that she was. All the others that were there made it so apparent that I wasn't the only person that was struck by her. I didn't say goodbye that day, for I will see her again. The flashes of memory are still playing and everywhere I look I see her. So see I grew to love her as my own...and will carry her with me always.
Thank you to Sue and Jeff (Emily's parents) for the gift of letting her stay with us for that time. For now I know that my heart can be opened by the gorgeous spirit of another. It is a big desire of mine to adopt a child once we have another natural one, because I would like to love again like that and give back the gift that was given to me.
Thank you Vanessa for being my post to lean on, my companion to laugh with through this journey.
Thank you Laura for that hug at the cemetery that I think if I didn't get it...I would still be standing there.
Thank you Wes, my rock of a husband who was nothing but sweet and kind with open arms waiting for me.
Lastly, my biggest thank you goes to Emily for your light shines on...with every sun beam of each morning and as I leave you let me say one last time I love you.
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